dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
