genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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