i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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