Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
