you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
