well I can't set my house on fire every night
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
