Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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