He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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