Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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