my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
