apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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