I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
