Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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