If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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