goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
