I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
