If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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