The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
