Buhtt sex?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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