Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
