I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
