Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize