Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
