I can tuck mytits in my pants
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
