He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
