Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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