I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
