I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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