Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
