Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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