So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
