Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
