Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
