I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
