How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
