rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
