I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize