What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
