I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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