Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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