3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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