My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She announced her abortion via fbk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
