Apparently you make a good broom.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
