Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
