We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
