I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
