How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
