if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
