why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
