i think my tv is drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
