Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
