I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
