i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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