Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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