I wish I could punch you in the face.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
