the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
