i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
