I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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