she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
