I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
