Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I bet he comes in French.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
