The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
