oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
