i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
