im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
