They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
