and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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