how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
