I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
