I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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