I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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