hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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