Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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